Last weekend, I had the chance to delve into a thoughtful book, The Courage to Be Disliked, written by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. At first glance, it seemed like a typical self-help book, but after reading it, I realized it was quite different. It offered profound life lessons that resonated deeply with my own experiences. While I’d instinctively grasped some of these concepts before, the book provided a clearer framework and deeper understanding.
Initially, the book might appear to advocate for a selfish, individualistic lifestyle. However, as you journey through its pages, a more nuanced message emerges: the importance of accepting yourself for who you truly are. It’s about embracing authenticity.
One of the core ideas is that comparing yourself to others is a dead end. Every individual is unique. This resonated with me because it highlights the futility of playing the “status game.” It’s not about having the fanciest car, wearing the most expensive clothes, or being the smartest person in the room. These are traps set by a society that constantly pushes us to consume more, often unnecessarily. We quickly become bored with the latest “must-have” item, only to chase the next, creating a never-ending cycle of material desires.
Instead, the book encourages us to embrace our authentic selves. I’ve always been a simple person, expressing my opinions openly, wearing comfortable clothes, and riding my trusty Honda for nearly two decades. I believe we shouldn’t change our lifestyles or personalities simply to conform to fleeting trends or societal expectations.
This concept extends to how we interact with others – friends, colleagues, or even our children. The emphasis is on the importance of shared responsibility and trust. Everyone should be allowed to fulfill their own roles. As parents, we should trust our children to learn and do their homework independently. As colleagues, once tasks are divided, we should trust each other to perform them effectively.
Interfering excessively in other people’s lives, even with good intentions, can be detrimental. Overbearing parents, for instance, can stifle their children’s natural curiosity and passion for learning. While guidance is important, ultimately, individuals should have the autonomy to make their own choices.
In our professional lives, hierarchical structures often create a sense of vertical relationships. However, in reality, we should shift towards horizontal, peer-to-peer interactions. Once responsibilities are assigned (like a scope matrix in a project), everyone should be trusted to complete their tasks without undue interference. This fosters long-term partnerships built on trust, rather than micromanagement, which ultimately undermines collaboration.
Mistakes are inevitable. Every invention, every advancement, is born from a process of trial and error. We can choose whether or not to partner with someone, but once we do, we must trust them to do their work. Other people’s mistakes are their own, not ours. We can offer constructive feedback, but we shouldn’t assume control and dictate their decisions. This creates a more positive and productive work environment.
Another significant takeaway is the idea that trying to please everyone is a recipe for unhappiness. We can’t constantly monitor others’ reactions to our words or actions. Ultimately, other people’s happiness is their own responsibility. We can share our own experiences and offer guidance, but we can’t make them happy.
This might sound selfish at first, but the point is that we’re not here solely to please others. Instead, we should focus on being useful and contributing to our communities, which can be as small as our own families or as large as our nation-states or online communities. A simple yet profound example is spending quality time with loved ones. We all belong to communities where we contribute, and this is a fundamental aspect of being human.
So, instead of striving to make everyone happy, we should contribute to our communities in our own authentic ways, based on our unique characteristics. Other people’s moods and happiness are their own to manage. We can, however, help them find their own paths to happiness by sharing our own experiences and insights. When we find something we truly love and value, we discover our purpose and contribute in a meaningful way. This path, in itself, leads to happiness and success as a natural byproduct. No one can compete with you at being you.
Finally, it is not enough to emphasizes the importance of living fully in the present moment. Truly immersing yourself in what you’re doing is the essence of living. The book uses the powerful image of a dancer on stage, fully absorbed in her performance, oblivious to the audience. This illustrates the power of presence. If we truly live in the present, why worry about the past or the future? Those anxieties arise when we’re not fully present. This simple yet profound statement encapsulates the core message